My Love Letter To Ronda Rousey.
[First press play on this song]
Hello. My name is Justin. Congratulations on your recent win against Meisha Tate and becoming the Strikeforce Women’s Bantamweight Champion. I was at work while the fight was going on…but if I could have watched it, I would have.
I was writing to say that I am President of the local Austin branch and the National “Ronda Rousey Is The Most Beautiful Woman In The World” Association. And I’m writing to say that I’m madly in love with you; and that I want your babies.
But, I’m getting ahead of myself. First of all, this letter should not freak you out or ‘be weird’ because, well, we’ve actually met one another! Maybe you remember? Harken back, if you would, to your fight with Sarah D’Alelio in Las Vegas that happened on August 11th, 2011. I was the guy with the giant, red Rs painted on my body – one on my chest, one on my back. I was holding the sign “My heart’s ‘Rowdy’ for Ronda.” Sometimes when I cheered for you, I felt like you could hear me inside the 2,500 seat stadium at the Palms Casino Resort. What I do know for a fact is that the camera which pans on the audience stopped on me for a few seconds – maybe there’s a chance you caught a glimpse of me, slovenly drunk as I was?
Or…I know you had a lot going on that night, so it’s okay if you didn’t see me. But what about your next major fight against Julia Budd? I paid full price for the seats right by where the fighters make their entrance. You looked so beautiful, like a Whitman poem, making your entrance in a pink gi. I was the guy being restrained by the ‘event security’ because I was trying to come up and say hello to you. Duh, those Neanderthals working the security didn’t know I was a personal friend of yours. The nerve of some people, I’ll tell ya’. Anyway, I’m positive now that you remember me. “Justin? Oh yes, Justin!” I imagine you saying. I was also the guy positively bellowing – over your coach, I might add – “Try doing that armbar thing you do! There ya’ go! MY HEART’S ROWDY FOR RONDA ROUSEY!”
“My heart’s ‘Rowdy’ for Ronda.” But this might be the lithium talking.
And yes, it turned out my heart was a little too ‘rowdy’ for the esteemed staff at the Palms – I was kicked out of the establishment, without refund I might add. But I’m told that you ended up winning some fifteen or twenty seconds after I was literally thrown out the side entrance by three giants; and I’d like to think I, in some small way, contributed to the eventual breaking of Julia Budd’s arm.
So we’ve practically almost met before already was the point.
And I don’t think you yet realize – because we’ve only just met – just how compatible we are. Give me a minute to briefly explain some points of high compatibility we share. Consider this, for example: You are billed as being 5’7. I am 6’1 – meaning I am taller than you. For long-term compatibility, it is essential that the male be taller than the female. You have medaled on the national, international, and the Olympic stages in Judo. I have medaled in several statewide Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu tournaments, and once got 3rd place – having lost to first place by three advantages – in Incheon, South Korea. That’s me medaling on the international stage.
Sure, you might be able to consistently and effortlessly toss me to the mats using the most embarrassing and elementary of judo throws. But baby, that’s where I want to be with you. Maybe some people think I deserve a punch in the face for writing that. Well, bring it on whoever wishes to espouse that opinion BECAUSE I am willing to bet 5,000 Korean Won that I am the fastest runner in the ENTIRE history of people who blog about Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.1 Bar none.2
“You cannot punch what you cannot catch.”
And sure, my Mom could be right when she says your neck is probably thicker than mine. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And this beholder has beheld the most pulchritudinous of beauties in my long and inglorious history of behelditudes – even more than that hippie who used to actually sleep in trees for real.
In your most recent fight, I held a sign which said “If you love me back, Ronda, and want to marry me, you’ll finish this fight by armbar.” I was the one holding the sign in one arm, while flailing my other arm around like a maniac – I felt like you were sensing me holding the sign, even though I was in Austin working the door at a club, and you in Columbus!
By god did you lay on Tate two of the most hellacious armbars ever, with the second one finally dislocating her elbow in truly excruciating fashion. I knew you were attracted to me, but I had no idea you felt that strongly. So yes, I am taking this to mean that you, too, are absolutely madly in love with me and are looking to settle down.
For some reason – I’m sure you’re very busy these days – you have neglected to contact me. At your earliest convenience, please shoot me an email at thejiujitsuwanderer[at]gmail.com. I’m an old-fashioned man, and would still like to propose to you in person. But, and I’m sure you’re unaware of this, the security guard of your apartment complex told me in no uncertain terms “You are forever banned from this place. If you ever try to bring flowers to this apartment again, I’m going to have you arrested.” He obviously just doesn’t understand our love, and is probably just jealous of what we have together. If you could iron that out for me, I’d really appreciate it.
I’m counting the days til we are united once again, my love!
Bringing a ring the next time I see you,